Jerusalam – Gerrer Rabbe: Couples Should Not Be Pressured Into Fertility Treatments During First Year Of Marrige

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    the PUAH center in JerusalemJerusalem – The Gerrer Rebbe, R’ Yaakov Aryeh Alter shlita, met today with the Rabbonim of Machon Puah (the Puah Institute) in the Rebbe’s offices in Yerushalaim.

    The Rebbe listened closely while Rav Menachem Bustein, Head of Machon Puah, spoke about his personal connection to the Imeri Emes and how it was the advice of the Imeri Emes that saved his family in Europe.

    After Rav Burstein explained Puah’s work in counseling couples and supervising fertility treatments, the Rebbe gave his brocha both to the Puah Institute and to each of the rabbonim.

    The Rebbe spoke of how he feels that the convenience of modern life expresses itself with people looking for easy and immediate solutions. He said that there are couples feeling pressured about having children and running to have fertility treatments too soon. The Rebbe said that while each situation should be brought to a Rav familiar with both the topic and the couple, as a rule couples should not worry about fertility challenges during their first year of marriage.

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    56 COMMENTS

    1. Most clinics will not even accept newly married couples in the first year of trying to have children through IVF so I’m not sure what the heilege rav is worried about. Where is it written that the kalah must get pregnant at the chassanah or no later than the end of sheva barochos. Let them live together and learn about each other before the pressure of having children from the machatonim.

        • “Where is it written that the kalah must get pregnant at the chassanah or no later than the end of sheva barochos?”

          Sorry, but there is NO halacha that a kalah must try to get herself pregnant before the end of shevah barochos. Either you are making a sick joke or you have lost your senses. Any rebbe will say not to have children until both the husband and wife feel emotionally and financially comfortable taking on such a responsibility.

    2. The Rebbe is 1 million% correct!! People freak out when tehir children don’t get pregnant from the night of the chasuna or the 1st 2-3 months. the pressure is terrible, and makes them nervous, which causes them to be more nervous and not get pregnant.

    3. It’s good to take the pressure off. However, if the couple is older, particularly if the woman is over 35, they may wish to see a physician after six months of trying.

      • Seichel? No Rebbe, or ANYone, even doctors, would recommend fertility treatments within the first year of marriage. Except if you are over 40 or have known complicated issues (in certain situations.)

    4. I’m soooo happy that someone is speaking up about this.

      This is a crazy thing that people feel pressured to have a baby. As is well known, that puts an extra stress on the body…

      There is nothing wrong with you if you can’t have a baby 10 months after you get married.

      • It’s news since it appears that most people have lost their ability to think for themselves. Everything needs to be explained to them even if its just basic common sense.

    5. so he’s doomed either way

      if he says nothing then people will complain why the Rabonnim don’t say anything

      if he does then whats it to him a Chiddush.

      • When we want rabbonim to speak we mean they should say an opinion that is in big debate etc. Not stupiditys, if he will say it’s tuesday today you’ll say “see the rabbonim are speaking out” whooo, it is truelly an embarresment to quote the words and with a headline the gerrer rebbe….

    6. Even a year sounds too little to me. too much pressure out there I think. let these new couple just get to know each a little before getting all that pressure.

    7. The next thing you will hear is that the Gerrer are giving heterim for planning IVF treatments prior to the chassanah so the couple can get a “running start” on being mekayem the mitzvah of paru u”ravu…Please, even among chassideshe couples, we need to slow down this rush to push out as many yinglach as quickly as possible without regard to the emotional or financial implications for the family.

      • The Gerrer happen to believe in big families and that should take priority over other concerns such as economics. Hashem will somehow provide for as many children as the mother can produce without risking her health and welfare.

        • Are you saying the Gerrer Rebbe, Z’Tl, has the intelligence of your 14 year old…for shame…He deserves the respect that should be accorded to one of the great leaders of the chassideshe community. Even litvashe yidden may have respect for him.

          • That may be the case, but I wish he would actually deal with issues WITHIN his own communities. Why, when people go to him with their issues, big issues, does the Rebbe say, ich mish zich nisht?!! Isn’t that what a Rebbe is for?

      • Why do we
        “need to slow down this rush to push out as many yinglach as quickly as possible “
        Are 6 Million possibly 7 or 8 million not enough of a loss to you!!!.

        • of course 6-8 mil is more than enough of a loss for all of us! but 2 points: you will only have as many children as hashem wants you to have; if you are destined to have 6, it will be 6, if 12, then 12- and if you do it in 12 years, you will simply stop having children, even if you’re young enough to have more, or if its spread out, you will continue having until you reach 12 even if you’re in your late 40’s. sometimes, hashem decides not to bless a couple with any children, r”l.
          2nd point is that, at what cost are we trying to replace what was lost? at the cost of more divorces, which in turn traumatize the children and make them more likely to go off the derech? what have we achieved then? if anything, rabbonim should be giving more heterim for couples to wait a year (not every couple, but i know of far too many who could have used it).
          hashem decided to make my husband and i wait a bit; our first was born shortly before our 2 year anniversary. that entire first year, we were upset. we saw the babies in shul, the pregnant women walking around, we watched people who got married 6 months after we did have a child… it hurt, we davened, we asked hashem why… then, when we had the baby, every time we had to wake up in the middle of the night, or stop in the middle of something important to attend to him, we finally understood the full measure of the brocha that was our waiting. i honestly don’t think our marriage would have survived a child during shana rishona. just because a couple is ready for marriage, does not mean they are ready for parenthood. yes, we want to replace what was lost 60 years ago, but if we sacrifice quality for quantity, can you really say we’ve replaced anything?

    8. Whoow a rebb e with saichel-Poeple are not even embarresd to repeat this, and this is posted as news, now we know y we have leades, as if there arn’t enough serios problems we need to deal with, once in two years this rebbe speaks out, and this is his big chuchme for this year, how stupid.

    9. Has the world gone crazy,this is what the gerrer rebbe has to say,what evevry teenager knows, shame on you, a rebbe with 1000’s of followers that never confronts any issues and now he has what to sell – what my 14 year old knows

      • Are you in that situation??? Obviously not because if you were then you would be anxious. Thats just the natural way that pple act. They expect to become preg right away and if they dont then they fear that something is wrong.

      • The ‘blasted hurry’ might be that sometimes couples live with fears of never having children, or that they will need to wait for years. Many attest that the second year of marriage is harder than afterwards, once there is a diagnosis. The safek is very rough on many.

    10. It depends how old the woman is. If a woman is 43 or 44 and wants a child, she can’t afford to waste a year waiting to see if she will get pregnant naturally. If the woman is 21, she can afford to wait a few years before trying fertility treatments.

      Does Israel have a limit on the number of embryos that can be implanted at a time? I believe Italy has a limit of 3. Remember what happened to Nadia Suleman when she had 6 embryos implanted(that resulted in 8 children, since there were 2 sets of identical twins).

    11. You people are all jumping down his throat. This was not his statement of the year. This was simply a remark that he made at a meeting with those who work in the field. He was not saying that this was earth shattering news. Is he not allowed to speak unless he has something astounding to impress everyone with? HE didnt ask for it to be posted on vosizneias!

    12. I commend the Rebbe. It’s not that it’s not common medical knowledge. I remember doing ovulation testing a few months after my chasunah. Now I know that I should have taken it easy, but couples need to KNOW to relax, even if doctors won’t do anything this early.

    13. I went to the modzitzer rebbe when he was in america and asked him for a brochah for a child. He asked me how long am I married? I told him a year. He laughed, told me to relax and not to worry a bit before two years. I had no known issues. I now have a beautiful daughter born after two years of marriage.

      • There is NO rebbe that doesn’t let until 5 years, there are some ‘ravs’ that don’t let and they are in the tiny minority.

        And in my opinion it’s cruel and wrong.

      • Shtusim?? Hashem sent these doctors as messengers to help people who are having a difficult time having children. Or are you one of those who don’t believe in treating illnesses because you’re waiting for a miracle? Wake up. These treatments are miracles straight from Hashem.

    14. How can anyone say this!!?? I am married 4 a year and a half and my Rov told us to go and Baruch Hashem 4 that!! It will still be some time till we can have children I”YH. But if we did not go now it could have taken years!! HOW CAN ANYONE TALK WHEN THEY DONT KNOW HOW MUCH ME AND MY WIFE SUFFER??? WHEN YOU ARE IN MY SHOES THEN TALK!!!!!

      • i was married 4 yrs before we had children, my rav advised us not to go for treatmrnts the first 1 or 2 years. i’m very thankfull to him for that, we were able to get to know each other & b”h build a beutifull relatioship before we set out on the tough journy & b”h were zoiche to zera shel kayomo( i do admit that it was hard to except at first but now i appriciate it)

    15. I heard in the name of one of the gedolim, that for the first THREE years not to be concerned about not becoming pregnant. BTW, I was born after my parents were married for 3 years. Can we stop the peer pressure please. Ladies- you are not machines.

    16. The Rebbi did not ask that his advice be placed in the headlines with caption in italics, he was just making a simple observation during a visit, your criticism should be directed towards VIN, but I think all the complainers are just looking for additional outlets to attack rabbanim & there’s no stopping them whatever you do…

    17. i was born after my parents were married for 6 years, they were very happy and thankful for the healthy birth, my 2 older brothers and sister were happy too

    18. It took us five years to get pregnant with our first child and we B”H didn’t have to go through IVF (just a minor problem B”H). We were actually enjoying getting to know each others and having fun and of course we we’re seeing doctors at the same time. Thank God we didn’t let it take over our life because now after three kids we always reminisce about our fun-filled carefree days.

      It was the parents and in-laws that were stressing us out about this more than we were.

      So to all those couples…..enjoy your time together. Get to know each others well. Take a lot of mini vacations. You’ll get pregnant when you least expect it to happen and don’t let the peer pressure get to you.

    19. Fertility treatments come at an increased cancer risk for the woman, which would be even a greater reason to – at the very least – push it off for as long as possible.

    20. I have 2 friends that went to the gadol hador for a bracha for children. He said to both of them, “You’re not even married 3 years and you’re running around for brachos already.”

    21. It took us five years to get pregnant with our first child and we B”H didn’t have to go through IVF (just a minor problem B”H). We were actually enjoying getting to know each others and having fun and of course we we’re seeing doctors at the same time. Thank God we didn’t let it take over our life because now after three kids we always reminisce about our fun-filled carefree days.

      It was the parents and in-laws that were stressing us out about this more than we were.

      So to all those couples…..enjoy your time together. Get to know each others well. Take a lot of mini vacations. You’ll get pregnant when you least expect it to happen and don’t let the peer pressure get to you.

    22. #44 really, since when are finances and emotions related to young chassans and kallahs having children. All the rebbis tell them to get married. Are they having a trial run at marriage. NO, they are supposed to have children. I myself have been to fertiltiy specialist, and feel sickened seeing so many chadishe “girls” there.

    23. It is of utmost importance that the couple have a rov that they could talk to about these inyanim and that parents as good intentioned as they are should stay out of it.

      Considering this is a matter of tznios, I will try and talk in a way that ha’mayvin yovin but as much as we “think” we know about those issues, the truth is we know nothing. There is no “textbook” to follow by yiddin in these inyonim and the choson kalla need time “to figure it out.”

      We didnt have kids for a few years and during most of that time we were having question thrown at us if everything was ok. They meant well of course but what couldnt be said was that the rov for good reason said “not yet” to getting pregnant. Once everything was worked out, things BH BH BH happened almost right away.

      Bottom line is that EVERYONE MUST FOLLOW THEIR POSEK and have one that they could talk to in these inyanim.

    24. Someone went to his Rebbe three months after marriage begging for a Brocho for children, so the Rebbe asked whats the panic, he replied he is very nervous as childlessness runs in his family and even his mother never had any children. So how were you born asked the surprised Rebbe? Oh, I was born from my fathers first wife! came the reply

    25. jokes aside.. Waiting a year or 2 before having your first child is great, but the worry of ‘maybe there’s something wrong..’ is what ruins it. If you knew that you would have a baby after 2 years you would enjoy the time before..

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