by Rabbi Yair Hoffman for 5TJT.com
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The following Shailah was recently posed to Rav Yitzchok Zilberstein:
We are from a family with strong aspirations for Torah and yiras shamayim. Boruch Hashem, our daughter met a young man from a good family, and as it appears he will continue studying in Kollel after the wedding. We drank a l’chaim two months ago. We made neither a vort, nor an engagement party. We have a date for the wedding, b’ezras Hashem.
After a few more meetings, some incidents occurred which, for us the parents, gave us a suspicion that the young man is not so matim. Our daughter is outstandingly good and does not really know how to decide. On the one hand, she desires that her parents be pleased by her Chosson, and on the other hand, she does not fully understand what bothers us about the chosson.
The truth is that he is a good boy – and holy. Nonetheless, my wife does have a few doubts and she feels that this is not exactly the chosson that is appropriate for us.
Our daughter relies on us completely, and she only agreed to the match because we told her that it was a good shidduch. We, the parents, made some further inquiries, but essentially, we relied upon the shadchan. Now, we are not so sure that we can rely upon him – therefore my wife is very uncomfortable.
We are sefardic, so breaking a shidduch is not the worst thing – the question is should the shidduch be discontinued?
Rav Zilberstein responded to the question in no uncertain terms:
A shadchan is not the one who makes shidduchim. A shadchan is but a messenger from Hashem Yisbarach to arrange matches. It is a chutzpah to shamayim to say that the shidduch that Hashem chose for our daughter does not find pleasure in our eyes. The truth is that this is a natural thing (buyer’s remorse) that happens often. We must overcome this tendency and focus on the grooms positive qualities and not his negative ones.
SOURCES AND REASONS
There is a very grave error here. The shadchan did not arrange the shidduch – rather Hashem, Himself – in all His honor is the one who arranges shidduchim – thus the shidduch is, in fact, an excellent one.
Rav Zilberstein went on to cite Seforim HaKedoshim that meddling in a shidduch involves sakanah as we see in regard to Besuel – the night that Eliezer arrived (see Rashi).
He further explained that the fact that they saw only his positive qualities and only now do they see some flaws – this is indicative that Hashem wants to make this shidduch and hid the flaws so that they not make an issue of it.
Rav Zilberstein relates an incident where someone arrived at the home of the Pnei Menachem – the Gerrer Rebbe. He told him that he had made a shidduch for his daughter with, what he was told was the next Rabbi Akiva Eiger of the generation. After the shidduch was made, he was made aware that although the chosson was a very good boy – he was no Rabbi Akiva Eiger whatsoever and he is now a laughingstock. The Gerrer Rebbe responded that in order for Hashem to make the shidduch happen – He took away his saichel. He should be thankful at least that he got his saichel back – but to allow the shidduch to go through.
Rav Zilberstein then explained that there are two reasons that the wife is having second thoughts. The first is that she is afraid of losing her daughter. The second is that it is natural for people to have second thoughts after the fact.
Both reasons, are incorrect. The daughter will still be connected to her home – and the mother will just receive even more nachas and see blessed generations to come. Secondly it is an error to think that there is a better shidduch out there – if there was Hashem would have brought him to her already.
Rather, the wife’s thought process should focus on all of the positive aspects of the chosson during the entire engagement period – as if he was her very own son.
Rav Zilberstein went on to cite a story from the Kotzker about a wealthy man with a simple housekeeper who became a widower. He eventually fell from his financial status. His practice at the time was to purchase lottery tickets both for himself and for the housekeeper. His housekeeper then won the lottery – but he kept the information from her temporarily. He then had a shadchan suggest the shidduch between the two of them. After she accepted, he told her that she, in fact, had won the lottery. She then informed her new husband that she had sold her “potential lotto ticket” in order to make preparations for the wedding. The husband, now faced with a broke second shidduch, approached the Kotzker that perhaps he should divorce her because it was a mekach ta’us – in that he thought she was wealthy. The Kotzer responded: “If you are so blind that you can’t see that Hashem had arranged the entire thing to make this shidduch happen – then go ahead and divorce her!”
[ADDITIONAL NOTE: RAV ZILBERSTEIN IS DISCUSSING A CASE WHERE THE YOUNG MAN WAS A FINE BOY – JUST NOT UP TO THE STANDARDS OF WHAT THE MOTHER DESIRED FOR HER DAUGHTER. CLEARLY WHEN THERE ARE SIGNIFICANT ISSUES DETECTED – IT IS A DIFFERENT MATTER ALTOGETHER. YH]
The author can be reached at [email protected] (The Teshuvah is found in the latest volume of Vavei haAmudim #77 p.28)
According to this article, there can almost never be a reason to break a shidduch. I find that hard to accept. There have been many broken engagements that proceeded to wonderful marriages with next shidduch.
And, unfortunately, many unbroken engagements that proceeded to disastrous marriages. [AUTHOR RESPONDS: HERE RAV ZILBSERSTEIN NOTED THAT THE YOUNG MAN WAS A GOOD BOY – JUST NOT THE IDEAL THAT THE MOTHER WANTED. THERE ARE CERTAINLY CAES THAT ARE TRUE MEKACH TA’US – SUCH AS HIDDEN ILLNESS -AND SUCH]
Excellent article. I got a new perspective on the Hashgacha pratis of the shidduch process. As a Parent of a few children in the dating parsha, I appreciate your sharing this with the tzibbur.
this woman sounds like she is the real mother in law so i guess go throuh with the shidduch
not enough detail as to why the parents disliked the boy. Was it a middos thing? if yes then it matters.
I believe the reason we have a “shidduch crisis” is owing to the fact that the kids are not permitted to meet and see if they enjoy each other’s company. If they even like each other! Shidduchim are business deals arranged by mothers… Perhaps this young woman is exceedingly happy with her chosson and will not consider breaking off their wedding? If she is not that happy, then perhaps the two should not marry. We have so many boys and girls who are not marrying. It is heartbreaking. You’d think Mothers would be encouraging of their children meeting and marrying, like it was not too long ago. But, they are busy arranging the best business deal possible. So many kids are never allowed to meet the people who would make them perfectly happy.
As I have mentioned in another thread, why would a decent young man such as the one described want to be meshaduch with anyone who has a mother like that? I have grandchildren who are now in the “parshah” and I am, frankly, troubled by extreme level of involvement that some parents (particularly mothers) take in their offspring’s dating and courtship (these are the correct terms). It needs to be made clear to all prospective chasanim and kallos that the ultimate decision is theirs and theirs alone. Parents can guide and offer advice, but the young men and women are the ones who make the shidduch.
A corollary of the above is that if the perspective chasanim and kallos are not mature enough understand their responsibilities then, perhaps, they shouldn’t be in the parshah altogether.
This is betond disturbing on so many levels.