LAKEWOOD (VINnews) — The following was submitted to VINnews by a reader:
Join our WhatsApp groupSubscribe to our Daily Roundup Email
I am a choson a few short weeks away from my chasunah. Being engaged brings about many new feelings and emotions in all that experience it, but very few have experienced an engagement like mine, considering that, as mentioned, I will iy’H be getting married in just a short time, but still do not know where or exactly when my chasunah will be.
What would have been utterly impossible and totally frightening for any choson or kallah to even imagine just a few short months ago, (who can even remember the world pre-corona?) is something that myself and many others now have to face as harsh reality.
When the reports began filtering in about the effect of Coronavirus on chasunas and other simchos in Eretz Yisroel, that were forced to take place in places and circumstances that defied ones imagination, my friends and I, as well as the community at large, regarded these reports with the same regard we have for much else; something humorous to read about and watch, and then we promptly forwarded it along to the next person, simultaneously forgetting about it entirely.
But as Corona drew ever nearer, and the stories were no longer six thousand miles away, but around our very block and in our own neighbors backyard, I was confronted with the undeniable truth. I would be going through this as well. As much as I tried to deny it, it became difficult to convince myself that I would have the wedding that was so firmly planted in my dreams for years, considering that the number of levayahs taking place per day in Lakewood outnumbered the number of minyanim being held.
The feeling of utter helplessness and depression overcame my entire being, as my weak shield of denial broke from the sharpness of actuality. For years I had dreamed and discussed, planned and imagined, designed and configured, the absolute picture – perfect chasuna, that would one day be my own. I had it all worked out, the singer, hall, songs, invitations and many other components that I had hand picked based on what I liked by the dozens of chasunahs I had been to throughout my bochur years. I planned on turning it into a memorable night, not only for me, but for all the guests as well.
I had never even considered the option of something of simpler tones, feeling that it was my right, at this stage in life, to receive what all my peers had got. Knowing that the financial burden on my parents was straining in the easiest of times, and desperate in the worst, did nothing to sway my opinion on what I deserved on my big day. If they love me, I reasoned, then this shouldn’t be out of their range, as long as I wasn’t expecting to much more then the norm. If everyone elses parents manage, mine will also.
How could it be then, that at long last, with the big day just around the corner, everything I had planned would not actually happen? Why is it fair that all my friends should get the chasuna of their dreams, but I had to suffer with less then standard Bar Mitzvah accommodations? Why? I attempted to draw chizuk from many years of schmuezzen I had heard throughout my years in yeshiva about hashgacha, and bitachon and to be mekabel ratzon Hashem, but it did next to nothing in assuaging my intense feelings of heartache and anxiety, likely due the fact that my imagined chasuna was deeper rooted in my subconscious then my bitachon was. Obviously, the fact that I would be getting married and starting a bayis ne’eman was always the real focus of my simcha, but the shock and suddenness of losing what I was always convinced, was the integral way to to start it all, left me unable to feel the true joy.
Until something happened that changed not only my perspective on chasunas, but on many aspects of life as well. I was invited to take part in my close friends chasunah, which was taking place in a backyard, with just more then a minyan present. Trust me, I arrived there feeling almost as bad for my friend as I felt for myself. But as the chasunah progressed, and the chupa began, followed by spirited dancing and the seudah with only immediate family and friends, I was feeling something that I just couldn’t put my finger on.
At some point in the night it hit me. THIS was the first chasuna I have ever been to. Never in my life have I been to an event more meaningful then this. With all the exterior coverings of the simcha missing, the true simcha and joy of the wedding shown through. Without the loud music and incessant talking everywhere, during the moments before the chupa you could actually feel the importance of what was about to take place. The breaking of the plate made us all remember and actually feel the churban. The chupa itself, with no microphone or singer or musical accompaniment, had a feeling of kedusha, you could feel a bayis ne’eman being built. For the first time I thought about what actually happens under the chupa, realizing how much of the real message is lost in outward extravagances that do nothing to add to the spirit of a yiddeshe chasuna. For the first time, I saw a chasuna that every single person there was entirely caught up with rejoicing with the choson and kallah.
The simcha of the guests radiated from every fiber of their being, and the choson was completely drawn into the emesdi’ke simcha, something rarely, if ever seen. The less there was from the outside, the more we, the mesamchim had to give from our inside, which made the atmosphere completely focused on the choson and kallah. Not once did I see someone checking their phone, and the socializing was really minimal.
For those few hours we gave it our all, and the balei simcha couldn’t have looked happier, ecstasy glowing from their faces. No doubt the financial benefit of a simcha in this style took away years of stress, allowing them to enjoy themselves completely. When it finally ended, on my way home the realization began to sink in that a smaller, more informal chasuna may not be such a terrible thing after all. How much of the real simcha gets lost because of the focus on the trivialities? Why are the pictures the longest part of the event? Why do I really need the singer and ear shattering music that all my friends have? Will that actually bring me to access the true simcha in a deeper way? Or will it distract me by making me pay attention to whether the singing and playing is perfect as I expected. Why do I need all those ‘friends’ at my wedding, knowing most of the time they’ll be outside, save for the few minutes they’ll show they’re face on the dance floor. Wouldn’t it be more enjoyable if the ones that were to come were there just to give their all to the simcha? And is it really so important for my parents to dig a pit of debt just so I can give people a few hour of non wholesome entertainment?
It was clear to me that all the worthless expensive additions that have been added unnecessarily over the years to the chasuna scene, were not there to enhance anyone’s simcha, but just to serve as social status confirmation, that we are with it and we won’t be outdone. We aren’t thinking how much pain and aggravation we’re causing by raising the standard for those who are lacking, besides for own simcha that we are diluting with total nonsense, making it less enjoyable for ourselves. As I thought all this, I began to appreciate the chasuna I myself would soon be having. I began to feel good that I would be saving my parents much pain and worry from money matters. As much as I might feel cheated that I didn’t receive what all my friends did, I’ll know I got something much bigger, something money can’t buy.
When I heard of the simcha initiative, where people are committing themselves to tone down their chasunas, I realized If only people would rethink what a chasunah is really about, and what true simcha really is, we would certainly join the simcha initiative, to cut out all the frills and unneeded accessories that just lead to debt and steal our attention from what a chasuna is truly about. And when Corona is but a distant memory, at least one thing will remain with us, The simcha initiative reminding us how to appreciate goodness from within.
Beautiful.
People are copycats, so we need just a few more mechutanim/chosson/kallah family who will do what you did and more will follow.
And let’s give every night sheva brachoses a rest too.
Another expense and obligation thrown at family members and few honestly even want to show up.
HOW MUCH MONEY YOU WERE GIVING TO WRITE THIS LETTER?
Tone Down ALSO ON THE FOLLOWING; Vort ,Offruf,Bar Mitzva,Bat Mitzva,Bris, Yeshiva dinner ,Yeshiva tuition Camp ,Seminary , support for married children ,leasing fancy cars, hotel for Pesach.
Right on! Can someone explain the logic behind this meshugas? Let’s not kid ourselves, todays days (almost) all about making money is for “marrying off your kids,” at least that’s how the talk goes. How about buying homes for your kids? I personally know ‘balbatisha’ people that will have to make weddings in truly upscale wedding halls with lavish Bavarfin, sheva bruches, etc., yet they cant afford buying homes for their kids or help them pay rent so the couple who’s parents’ just spent $150k to marry them off have to work 2 jobs to pay their rent and bills. Who are we fooling? This entire thing is crazy. It’s all about impressing people (IMO). The responsibility is on each and one of us.
Silly childish letter for many reasons!
what did he do special – he had no choice unless he wanted to get married in two years!
this simcha initiative started as a good idea now it seems like this whole thing is a gimmick
I doubt highly the 3 tzadikim who signed for this good idea realized what the marketing and silly askonim would do to it.
I ALSO KNOW FOR A FACT THAT THE THREE TZADIKIM WOULD NEVER LET A FALSE LETTER BE WRITTEN USING THEIR HASKAMA- I haven’t met one male in my life who would have nothing better to do than write this silly letter right after they got married.
I still hope to iyh not make any more vorts although i will try and invite 251 people to my next wedding – to show that i am not following the sheker of the silly marketing people – where is all the money coming from for this marketing? Every mosad is hurting give the money to the yeshivas – no one will legally be able to make a large wedding for at least another year!
Yawn. Fake PR letter. If only the tzibbur would sign the kabalah to only make driveway weddings from now on, all deaths would stop immediately! Sure. Tell that to all those who are sitting shiva. Very comforting.
What a pathetic phony letter! This “letter” was probably written by some 50 year old nerd. It is so cloyingly corny & nauseating that it “takeh” makes me “mamish” sick!
Wow this is so special of this Chosson for writing this letter!!!
Does anyone know of where to sign up
Kint laben, Welcome to adulthood
I feel Really truly sorry for the covid19 chossonim and kallahs . The weddings was certainly not what they expected . And I’m sorry that they had to be the karbon so to speak
But it Is special that you took a positive message out of it . Toning down Vorts , afruf and weddings is a step in a positive direction in helping everyone enjoy their simchos more without the added stress .
Come on. How stupid do you think we are?! No reader wrote this. It was obviously written by a pr person, who was no doubt handsomely paid for his silliness.
Listen boychik, a dream wedding should be left in dreams, a perfect wedding, is never perfect nor should it be. What is important, what every parents wants, what every choson and kallah should want is the dream marriage, a marriage where two people are so committed, work so hard to make the other happy , that if there were such a word as “perfect”-that marriage would be perfect. The wedding is the show,marriage is what life is all about.
Narishkeit and fake letter. It’s obvious. VIN why do you lie to people in public saying it was submitted by a reader?? Fake news. And only invite 250 ppl? What if my family by itself is 250? I get no friends? The point is that you can’t legislate an amount of attendees. Everyone has different social circles. You can legislate how many piece bands and singers and decorations and other aspects of the event. But this initiative is going nowhere. Because it doesn’t talk to the issue.
Wow I love how you turned a negative to a positive
Lovely sentiments regarding the excesses of recent weddings. The only thing missing was any mention of your fiancee. As an engaged man. I would hope you are learning to think beyond yourself. That is not evident in your column. Your kallah is also dealing with changed reality. When you are married it should be with bracha. Remember that it’s no longer about you, you need to learn to support your kallah. It is not just a saying “happy wife, happy life”. If you are only able to focus on yourself, and your own disappointments, you might not be ready to get married.
Here is what needs to be done.
Every local heimish wedding hall must divide their halls in three sections so that three smaller weddings can happen at one time. As long as the wedding halls have a minimum the people have no choice in making a smaller wedding. I know every chosen and kallah want their friends there. Maybe we can have the dancing with all the hundreds of friends on the street or in a yeshiva lunchroom after the small wedding ceremony. It’s going to be interesting how people will react after it’s all over. Will they go back to their old ways. Many will beg borrow and steal to be able to make the lavish weddings. I’m waiting for the collectors to come to my door. But if this plaque continues there won’t be much money to squander on lavish affairs. It’s time to wake up. This generation is spoiled rotten. And it goes for every segment of society. It’s out of control. Nothing less than this terrible virus would stop people in their tracks. Let’s live life normal.
Ok to the haters of this author, so, incessant talking during the chuppah, blaring deafening “heimish” rock music, 2 hours of photos during the wedding itself, dinner at 11 pm, a full open bar frequented by high school kids, and in some cases a badchan at 2-3 am while the chosson kallah are passing out, that’s what a wedding should be?
Stop with the chasunas and start with the marriages. We’ll all be better off.
Strange that his original ideal had nothing to do with what his kalla would want??? That is where he was really off, even more than all the trappings.
Let’s say everything he wrote is true will this type of wedding be possible when life gets back to normal? The answer is NO. NO it’s not normal for a choson and kalah to walk down to the chupa from a garage. NO Its not normal for the siblings of the chasan and kallah to dance in their kitchen watching the wedding via zoom. NO it’s not normal for a kalla to dance a mitzva tantz with her grandfather from a window. I b”h made a few weddings, and I’m still paying it off. but I did not sign the simcha initiative. In the initiative, they write don’t make elaborate vorts. Who exactly defines the word elaborate. I for one say just make a lechayim with the parents, choson and Kallah. They write don’t invite more than 250 people. Did they take into account the hall? In all the clips I watched I saw fancy gowns, music, pictures and some even flowers. The only thing missing is the hall. Yes, when this is over people will go back to using halls. Halls have minimums. I never had to invite more than 250. But in two halls I used I had no choice but to upgrade because with the minimum they nickeled and dimed you that it was cheaper to upgrade. In addition, why is there no mention of how parents have to take on two-three jobs to support the new couple? Today it became the norm to pay for a car too. They don’t write anything about paying a shadchim $4000 or about the gifts for the chosson kallah or about the gowns, shaital, and shtramiel. The bottom line is everything costs money your groceries cost money and buying shoes cost money and to make a wedding cost money. To make a normal initiative we have to take the entire Simcha industry and refine it. From how much it costs to date (A beshow is much cheaper) to the support and everything in between.
The “fake” critic poster here is ONE person using multiple id to make it sound like a lot of people. He’s the fake one.
Here’s the deal:
Those that want huge weddings with the trappiings, gezunterheit.
I’m not going to show up. Here’s a check in the mail and mazel tov.
I ‘m not driving long distance, nor hanging around for the chupa to start because some of your chupa honorees are late, not going to go deaf from the loud so-called music. Not going to fress everything at the smorg, then re-fress at the meal.. Been there, done that.
You got a f3amily of 250 ??
Serve diet kokosh cake & Coke and get the show on the road. Eat the seudah with bubby,zaidy and 1st cousins only along with siblings.
It’s very easy if you want it.
Oh, but wait.
Next morning I get calls for the sheva brochuses in Yehupitzville that begin at 8pm.
Meanwhile , I’m obligated to other weddings and vorts. Especially in June.
STOP. CHANGE THE ENTIRE SHEBANG.
This writer can’t be a real person. Who in their right mind would invite a teenage friend ovee their brother or uncle in such a small wedding. I’m just not buying this story
In one word, misguided Chosson. As others have noted, there was not one word of what his Kallah wants. Life is much more than a 6 hour wedding.
Based on certain idiosyncratic spelling mistakes and use of grammar I believe this was written by a Lakewood Chosson and not fake.
Let’s also institute these low-cost practices:
(1) Chosson and Kallah getting premarital couples counseling
(2) Chosson signing RCA prenuptual agreement (some Rabbonim refuse to be Mesader without one)
(3) Reading the language of the Kesuba in English (instead of Aramaic) under the Chuppah so that the oilam can hear what the Chosson (and not the 2 sets of parents) is responsible for. Maybe also put a copy of the translation on the back of the Tehillim cards distributed at the Chuppah.)
PS A few weeks go a choson asked Reb Dovid Soleveitchik, Shlita if he should push off the chasunah till the virus issue is over?
Reb Dovid responded, when we made chasunahs in the past generations, we only had the immediate family, etc. 25-30 people and the Simcha was a real Simcha.
Make it a real Simcha, with a few people, and don’t push it off, it will be a real Simcha.
To all the “it’s ok to have crazy wedding?” People. That’s not the point. The point is this letter is fake propaganda from someone people who want to push something that’s really nothing. No lavish vort is meaningless. And min 250 1. Why would you want to keep people from being mesamaiach with you? 2. That’s not where the money is spent it’s on pic hall caterer flowers etc 3. Live and let live
Let’s add on another thing were money can be saved, which may lead to a fire storm of protest. Let’s stop spending vast amounts of money on a burial in Eretz Yisroel. Why do people have to start on-line fundraising campaigns, especially now when others are trying to raise money to buy food and pay their rent, to arrange a mechubadik kevura in Eretz Yisrol? Are there not better uses for $100,000?
I have a better idea. It is called birth control! Because, from a financial standpoint, it is not possible to raise a large family today. As for the weddings, they have already been cut back! Enough. Weddings have always been in Klal Yisrael and they are not going away. Now, lets spend our sweat and time on something we can actually fix.
It all starts with the wedding halls. If the wedding hall was small you would not need so many flowers,musicians,photographers,and food. Period. You can have a hundred dancers on the roof of a yeshiva or yard. You can divide the wedding where dancing in mass will either take place in a warehouse,street or yard.
First things first. Does the chosson always wear a white Charles Tyrwhitt shirt 24/7? Does he wear a hat & jacket even when it’s pouring rain outside, during bein hazmanim, hiking in New Hampshire? Does he have 20 open seforim during licha dodi so he shouldn’t waste a second of limud hatorah while the am haratzim sing? Did the kalla go to a top seminary in Israel where they only accept girls with a 98.9 grade level? Not one of those loser seminaries for the dummies and baalas teshuvas? Only the mitzuyanim who marry mitzuyanim will have successful marriages and raise the next generation of Gedolim for the future. No middos tovos necessary. Yup, welcome to shidduch world 2020 version.
Fancy weddings is the LEAST of the problems.
As momma used to say: get married for the wrong reasons and you’ll get divorced for the right reasons.
you all forgot about the chasidishe vacht nacht for $7000 and upsheren for $30,000.
This world came to very few people who want to live a Hollywood lifestyle in a poor middle income communities.This must stop and hashem is seding us all the signals that our behavior is out of hand.
How many parents are taking their kid under the chuppah and popping Prozac and Nitros throughout the entire wedding because they dont have the funds to pay for all he was forced by his child because their friends had such a wedding. I am sue this behavior borders with Shefiches Dumim , Kibid Av Veam.
i went to a wedding in NJ hotel where the chasene was over half a million and the guest sitting on my table were chatting “look at this Meshigener who is wasting his money” and meanwhile he is asking the waiter for a WELL DONE rib steak and while sipping on his CAVE wine he is making fun of the bal simche.
Raboyssy Wake up from your deep Chaloymes and start being realistic and follow the Takunes which is been endorsed by many Kehillas and Roshei Yeshivis….There is a Derech Hamamitzeh where you can make a bal batishe wedding with 125 couples and serve shmogesboard for the Bucherim, girls , and friends who are not interested sitting 3-4 hours every evening at another simche.
A bar mitzveh can have 20-30 couples…a kiddish can be of lekech and shnapps ,maybe a bit herring (not $300-700) bottles where some men have to be carried home drunk. A vach nacht should be like old days.
Beer, peanuts and potato kugel and pekelech for $1.00 a piece maximum 100 peklech.
A tenoyim can be a lechaim or at the chasene.
Less GoFundMe, Tea Parties ….
Is the initiative about “spending less money” or “toning down” the “party” surrounding simchos.
. Call 15 halls in the tri-state area. Is there a single one that has a minimum of less than 400 people? 300?
. Go back in time several months. The “obligatory” presents given to chassanim and kallas. Earings, watches, esrog boxes, menoras, bracelets, “vort and shabbos kallah flowers”.
. When did it become a chiyuv to spend thousands of dollars every summer to send our 19 year olds to “learning camps” (lets elave aside a non monetary issue that the best and brightest bachurim are not available at least half a summer to be role models as counselors in camps.
. When did camps get to be these money traps with hundreds of extra fees to cover trips to niagra with overnight hotel stays, musical extravagansas (concerts) with the hottest and most expensive talent.
I can go on.
The initiative, in my opinion is NOT about spending less money, its about making weddings, and all life cycle ocassions into simchos instead of parties. You can spend 30k on a wedding for 400 guests and 75k on 200 guests. If spending 75k on 200 guests what the initiative has in mind? The initiative is about making a bar mitzvah gathering more of a celebration of mitzvos and less about the bar.
I’m not even sure why this was posted. It gives people bait both to decry the systemic issues inherent with a society that spends years dreaming about a 6 hour party instead of a life vision; and it gives room to others to scoff at the notion that there is anything ideal about a 20 person chasuna in a yard when it is a once in a lifetime event that is a culmination of decades of hope, dreams, efforts, sweat, blood, and tears.
My brachah to all the current, future, and past chassanim and kallos is that they should be zoche to build a bayis Neeman beyisrael, with menuchas hadaas that comes from knowing you are pursuing an appropriate path, the menuchas hanefesh that comes from knowing you are in good hands and HKBH knows what he is doing, and the Shalom bayis that from having a partner that is on same page as you in goals that matter. May you have the strength to change what you can and accept what you can’t, and the wisdom, maturity, and guidance to be able to differentiate. Whatever the circumstances of your nuptials and overall material still, may it lead to happiness and not heartache, both to you and to others.
For years I had dreamed and discussed, planned and imagined, designed and configured, the absolute picture – perfect chasuna, that would one day be my own. I had it all worked out, the singer, hall, songs, invitations and many other components that I had hand picked based on what I liked by the dozens of chasunahs I had been to throughout my bochur years. I planned on turning it into a memorable night, not only for me, but for all the guests as well.
Something is wrong with this. A chasunah is one night. A marriage is for the rest of your life. Everyone wants a nice simcha (large or small), but your main thoughts should be on finding your zivvug and building your family together. Focusing on the “perfect wedding” is shallow and not what a ben Torah should be thinking about.
Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing
Establishing realisic standards for Bar-Mitzvahs, Vort, Kidush, Wedding, Sheva Brochos, Sholom Zochor, Bris, etc. Maximum number guests, How elaborate?, very limited Liquor, limited Fancy cakes, Limited Flowers, No Party planners, No Hot food by a kidush, No Kidush clubs in shuls or private homes, Limit size of band, loudness of music limited to 70 Decibels, Etc.
Is spending $250 per a fancy cake over the top & extravagant?
It all depends.
If there are 10 of these cakes, with $10,000’s worth of other fancy food & liquor, all for a shul kiddush for the 4th girl in a family – then yes its excessive.
But if it is THE center piece at a wedding dessert buffet for small wedding in a small hall…
Its all about the proportions and expectations. I dont believe there was / is any issue in inviting 1000 guests to a wedding if they are actually all part of the simcha; have no taainos against the baal simcha; and that the baal simcha can afford it. Its when we are making simchos that are all about making a grand affair, for people who could not really care less about the actual simcha (is it his son getting married or his daughter?) who are often complaining they need to schlepp out to it & sit through it all, made by baali simcha who can not even afford it.
We need to refocus on the actual simcha, a wedding – the chosson & kalla & the marriage itself. If its a bar mitzva – more about the mitzva than the bar. Who is the affair for – the actual people who are celebrating, or the show to the community.
There is no one item / person / institution that we can point to and say THIS is the reason & is what needs to change. It is all of us. We need refocusing on what is important, and do away with all the chitzonius.