The COVID-19 – Delayed Shidduch: Rav Yitzchok Zilberstein Paskens

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    by Rabbi Yair Hoffman for 5TJT.com

    The COVID-19 pandemic has wreaked havoc in people’s health, their jobs and parnassah, and even in Shidduchim.  One young lady was left in a state of limbo on account of Corona.  She recently penned the following letter to Rav Yitzchok Zilberstein.  What follows is his answer.

    Dear Rav Zilberstein,

    This past Adar, before the Corona pandemic began, I dated a young man twice and we had agreed to a third date.  Then came the travel restrictions.  Since the young man is from a different city, he could not travel to my where I live, nor could I travel to where he lives.  And so we stood hanging and waiting.

    Now that they have removed some of the restrictions we asked the Shadchan to set up the dates again.  Not knowing is something that is very difficult for me.  I want to know where I stand, especially since I am a little older.

    The Shadchan called back and said that the young man’s Rosh Yeshiva told him not to travel with public transportation – because that puts him in a makom sakana.  He does not want to travel by taxi because this is an expense of $150.  And so I stand hanging in doubt.  It is very hard for me. [What should I do?]

    ANSWER:  The shidduch should be expedited to the best of their ability.  If the young man does not have the financial wherewithal to hire a taxi – then he should direct himself to the Tzedakah organization in his city to help defray the costs of the taxi.

    Sources and Reasons:

    It is permitted to get engaged to a woman – even on Tisha B’Av as explained in Shulchan Aruch (OC 551:2) – so another won’t get her before he does.  If that is the case, then certainly in our case – all effort should be extended to expedite the shidduch as soon as possible.

    Even if there are difficulties in reaching the date Chazal tell us that a person’s shidduch is as hard as kriyas yam suf..

    The Admor from Ruzhin said that every shidduch creates a remarkable simcha in shamayim – this is the reason that we see, at times, so many difficulties in a shidduch – it comes from those forces that stand against kedushah.

    The Chasidic master Rav Yechezkel of Kuzmir was once asked whether to speed up a certain shidduch or to delay it, he responded, “Just like by Krias Yam Suf Hashem said, Why are you crying out to Me? Speak to the Bnei Yisroel to travel on!  Rashi explains, “Now is not the time to delay in tefilos – the same is true with a Shidduch – it is not the time to delay, and it should be expedited as much as he can.

    Every simcha creates Heavenly joy and an Ais Ratzon that has the capability of putting an end to this pandemic.  Therefore, one should not delay. .  If the young man does not have the financial wherewithal to hire a taxi – then he should direct himself to the Tzedakah organization in his city and ask them for help in hachnasas kallah – there is no greater hachnassas kallah then this – establishing another shidduch in Klal Yisroel.

    The author can be reached at [email protected]

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    16 COMMENTS

    1. We’ve all been taught that expedition of a shidduch is of primary importance in yiddishkeit.
      Why is this even a discussion? Where’s common sense ??
      There’s a way if there’s a will.
      Why is almost everything a sheilah these days?
      SHEAL OVICHU VEYAGEIDCHU.. Our parents and grandparents would have figured this out.

      • So can we assume that you’ll donate him the $150 for the taxi? Put your money where your mouth is. If not, then yes, they needed to ask whether he can take tzedakah for the purpose (and the answer was that he can).

    2. this is the next go fund me page /// i suggest this boy marry the rosh yesivahs daughter if he dosnt have a daughter then the boy should ask a SHIALA and the kallah in waiting should bench gomel

    3. AH,
      You mean that nobody in the family can figure out what to do ? There were situations more difficult than this one and our ancestors figured it out.
      I’m an older person :, this stuff is ridiculous. You’re an intelligent poster but sorry, here you’re sipping koolaide.

      • And our ancestors often asked their local rabbanim or rebbeim what to do – you hear any number of stories of people asking their rebbe for advice on the most mundane matters – and that’s how they “figured it out.”

        And thanks for the compliment.

          • Among the Litvish or neo-yeshivish it’s been that way for only about 60 years. Before that if your pipe leaked you spoke to the plumber and not your local godol.

          • That’s funny, because R. Shneur Zalman of Liadi talks about this practice in a letter to his Chassidim written in the 1780s or so (and printed in Tanya, Iggeres Hakodesh sec. 22). That’s a lot more than 150 years ago, and among Chassidim, not Reformers.

      • Shidduchim were made and broken over $150 in those days all the time. This isn’t an engagement and isn’t broken. It’s delaying a third date. It’s very easy to darshan about priorities when you have the money. It’s not as easy to be so cavalier when you are penniless. Don’t be so quick to judge until you’ve been there.

    4. No, I’ll ask you to donate. He said to go to a tzedakah org. And you sound like a rich guy. Problem solved.
      Are you joking ?? This isn’t a shvere kasha. Come on

    5. So basically the age-gap crisis is one big hoax. It was only created in order to shake down some gullible gevirim to shell out a few dollars. B”H the gevirim figured out the ruse and left the sheisters hanging.

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